INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
A JUDGE (65), very judge-like, deadpan, sits in his chair, adjusts his bifocals, looks at a few sheets of paper.
JUDGE
Well, Mr. Birch, I can’t say I’ve ever seen anything like this in my 20 years on the bench -
Standing in front of the judge is DREW BIRCH (26) but still dressed like a frat boy, man-child who hasn’t thought about another person’s feelings possibly ever.
DREW
Thank you, your honor. I really think the incident allowed me to really bring out my creative side in a way that I haven’t really been able to in a long time. It was really quite refreshing and I DEFINITELY don’t think it should be illegal or anything.
JUDGE (CONT’D)
NOT a compliment, Mr. Birch --
DREW
Oh! Tickets! Make it legal, charge people $14-15 a pop, we’d make money hand over fist!
JUDGE
Mr Birch! Now, what you did might not have caused much damage, but it appears to be the latest in a long string of minor offenses. Community service does not seem to have rectified this behavior so I’m afraid what might work is a short sentence behind bars. I’m thinking six months might -
Suddenly, from the benches in the back, a VOICE.
VOICE
Objection, your honor!
JUDGE
(Nonplussed)
That’s not how that works -
A woman dressed like she’s incognito in a 50s noir film, scarf over hair, large sunglasses, stands up, OLIVIA BIRCH (59), more money than sense, but her heart is in the right place.
OLIVIA
I say again, objection!
DREW
Oh no -
JUDGE
(Nonplussed)
Ma’am this is a courthouse -
OLIVIA (CONT’D)
This young man just hasn’t been given the opportunity to learn from his mistakes, your honor!
DREW
Mom, stop -
OLIVIA (CONT’D)
Of course he didn’t learn anything from cleaning up trash from the side of the highway! What he needs is an opportunity to touch the lives of children and maybe - along the way - maybe they’ll touch him as well!
DREW
Oh God...
JUDGE
(STILL Nonplussed)
Ma’am, who are you? And what are you doing making a scene in my courtroom?
OLIVIA
My name is Olivia Birch, your honor! And I’m the owner of Camp PHUN!
JUDGE
Olivia Birch is it? And what do you propose we do with your son instead?
OLIVIA
I propose that, instead of wasting the tax payers’ money, you let Drew serve out his sentence at Camp PHUN, making a difference in the lives of kids!
DREW
Oh no, your honor, please. I’ll take a year -
The judge looks back and forth between the two. Sees Olivia’s exuberance and Drew’s absolute horror at the thought of spending months at camp.
END OF COLD OPEN
Continue reading the full 32-page script upon request